Episode 43: AFGO Part 2 of 2
Episode 43: AFGO Part 2 of 2 with special guest Dave Conley
This is the second part in a two-part interview! Find out what happens next!
Meet our guest, Dave Conley! Dave has been a technology executive, entrepreneur, and startup consultant. Now Dave is a health and wellness coach who helps lifelong overweight people lose 1/3rd to 1/2 of their bodyweight — just like him.
What was the grieving process like? Everything is changing and Dave’s focus is on self-care. Dave got a therapist and joined a widow/widower support group. There were different types of support groups for widows/widowers and Dave really learned how to talk about death and also how to move on. Dave noted that there seemed to be more women in there than men and he began dating someone “inappropriately” (Dave’s words!) too soon. It turned out to be perfect for Dave and his healing began.
Dave’s mentor taught him “AFGO” which means another fucking growth opportunity.
Dating someone else who had lost their spouse was great. They understood each other.
“It was the best time in the shittest situation.” It took them both from an intolerable situation to a much better place. Sometimes it was the smallest things that would remind them of their late spouse and they understood that. But dating someone who doesn’t understand that, they feel like their is a third person in the relationship. It was ideal for Dave and he and his new girlfriend built a great relationship together.
Dave and his girlfriend ended up moving in together and it was the steady progression of a relationship, they eventually married. Dave and Leanne discuss the possibility of getting married again. It feels weird to be married several times, and both agree that they don’t want to rule future marriages out.
Dave began dating someone he met at the widow/widowers support group. It was the ideal relationship for both of them. They had an immediate connect and completely understood each other. Dave shares how the grieving process can be difficult for someone who hasn’t experienced a death of a spouse/significant other.
His girlfriend lived in New York and they were doing the long-distance thing for a while and then eventually she moved to DC and they got married.
Dave and Leanne talk about the weirdness of being married for a third time. How do they feel about it?
Dave and his third wife had a great relationship and loved each other very much, but they were mostly really good roommates. She did not want to divorce and Dave really tried to make sure she was okay. Dave felt the 1+1=3 that was with his second wife was missing in this relationship. He felt that this relationship was coming to an end. The relationship had been good for both of them so they could heal. Their divorce was final in February.
What’s happened since? Dave has started dating, but it’s not his priority. He got rid of a lot of his belongings and has been traveling all over the United States. He began a new business and can work from anywhere.
After his last divorce, he asked himself, “What do I love doing?” He is passionate about his self-care and wants to help other people lose weight and make a life transformation.
Learning to love himself and take care of himself was the beginning of his transformation. He didn’t realize at first. He was in survival mode after he lost Carol. In his third marriage he started putting on weight again. He asked himself what was different and what had changed. He didn’t want to live a life that is “fine”. He wanted more and he had to really learn to love himself. He had to pay attention to what he was eating and exercising, and everything else changed as a result. He started making his self-care a priority again. Then he had to ask, ‘Am I in the right relationship?’ and ‘Am I in the right job?’
How would his relationship have been different with Carol if he had discovered self-care then? If he’d have this revelation then, he’d like to think that that revelation would’ve happened for both of them.
Many of the people he works with now are in their forties and fifties, and they’ve spent most of their life taking care of their kids and everyone around them. They’ve forgotten how to take care of themselves in even the most basic of ways.
How did David begin helping others? After listening to the Jonathan Fiedls – the goodlife project suggested that Dave tells his story. A mutual friend of theirs, Marsha, is a professional storyteller and she met with Dave and said yes, I can help you. Dave flew to Toronto to work with Marsha. Another friend, Karen, invited Dave to dinner one night after working with Marsha. After dinner Dave started talking to one of the other guests and she happened to ask why he was in town. Dave shared one of his stories with her. The story he shared was about flying fat.
They had an immediate connection with his story. Before he even finished, she said, “How do I work with you?” And that was how Dave found his first client.
Dave wants to work with people who want to transform their life. People who have spent the majority of their life being overweight are Dave’s ideal client. The transformation is not about a diet. It’s about changing habits and changing your lifestyle.
“Don’t be invested in the outcome, be invested in the process.”
“Unlike drugs, unlike alcohol, unlike anything like that, you have to have food. You can’t just say, ‘I’ve been eating all my life and I’m done now.’ You have to have food.”
“It’s weird to say that the best thing that ever happened to me was losing my wife, and that’s absolutely true. I would certainly be dead by now.”
Dave’s not sure what’s next, but he knows there is more to do.
“If you’re unhappy with it, you can change it.”
Question of the Week: “What are you willing to do to take care of yourself?”
Our favorite moments:
01:30 Meet Dave Conley (again!)
06:20 Dave meets someone
33:30 How did Dave start his business?
37:10 Dave shares his story
What you’ll learn:
- There are different types of grieving support groups
- AFGO means another fucking growth opportunity
- Sometimes relationships are meant to be…and meant to be over
- Learning to love yourself can transform your whole life
What you won’t learn:
- How to pick up women in support groups
- How to lose weight
- The Boyfriend’s true identity
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Tweet: If you’re unhappy with it, you can change it. Ep43 #loss #love #selfcare #lifelafterdivorce #podcast
Tweet: Don’t be invested in the outcome, be invested in the process. #Divorce #ltransformationtuesday #happiness #marriage #selfcare
Tweet: My go to – Sometimes relationships are meant to be…and meant to be over #divorce #marriage #podcast