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Episode 074: Independence Day
Episode 074: Independence Day with Leanne Linsky and The Boyfriend
Happy Fourth of July! In honor of the holiday, let’s talk about maintaining your independence in relationships.
Leanne and The Boyfriend talk about how they’ve remained, or not remained, independent. Leanne always starts out independent in relationships, but sometimes (depending on the relationship) it goes sideways.
It seems like there is one person in the couple who is more independent than the other. Or as The Boyfriend says, the alpha person. Maybe one person is more invested in the relationship. Maybe it ebbs and flows as the relationship evolves over time.
Independence is not the same as invested. Just because someone is independent doesn’t mean they’re not as invested in the relationship.
03:45 The Boyfriend admits that when he isn’t as invested, he does become the more dominant person. He sets the tone.
04:48 So what keeps you independent? We talked about making sure you have hobbies and and work and things to do. But having space or physical distance is everything that makes us independent.
Let’s break it down. Independence has several parts – spiritual, physical space or time, emotional or mental, and financial.
Spiritual independence can actually be a dealbreaker for some couples depending on how important their faith and beliefs are the relationship. This can also be related to someone’s upbringing.
Financial independence can play a huge role in a relationship as we learned in past episodes. Many women said they would have left their marriage sooner if they had the money.
09:01 How much have the roles of women and their independence in relationships have changed over time? So many women work now and husbands stay at home, but it’s still not equal. Women still aren’t paid the same.
It’s one thing to be a successful woman in business, but that doesn’t mean that same woman will be the same independent person in a relationship.
12:50 Things people do to maintain independence:
- Separate hobbies
- Work and work outings/activities
- Own opinions, thoughts, ideas, passions
- Ability to make decisions
14:56 Like different movies and music! Leanne shares example of Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Julia Roberts character doesn’t have her own likes and interest. There’s this whole running thing in the movie about how Julia orders her eggs. She always orders eggs cooked the way her fiance likes them rather than how she likes them.
Leanne and The Boyfriend share the differences they have in their relationship which include music, food, and movies.
Having a job, interest, or passion that gives you a sense of purpose/accomplishment is a big help. It’s important to let your partner have those things as much as it is for you to have it.
What about separate vacations? The Boyfriend’s parents always took separate vacations so that’s totally normal for him. Leanne’s parents never took separate vacations so wonders why anyone would want to do that.
When it comes to independence it may be a good idea to talk about what that means to each of you.
After a divorce or break up it always feels like OMG I have all this freedom and we start doing things we used to do. The Boyfriend points out that if you feel this way after a break up, maybe the relationship wasn’t that good. Maybe that relationship took all of your own individual self away.
Leanne points out that it’s probably not even intentional. Life changes when you get in a relationship and all that evolves slowly over time. The Boyfriend wonders if maybe we all have a little Julia Roberts in us.
So how do we keep from losing ourselves? What can we do to celebrate our independence each day? How can maintain that each day?
Question of the week: How do you honor your independence everyday while you’re in a relationship?
Tweet: How do you honor your #independence each day while you’re in a #relationship? Check out ep 074 https://lifelafter.com/podcast/ #independenceday #podcast #divorce #marriage #dating
Tweet: What do YOU really want? https://youtu.be/cKADfQQILN8 #RunawayBride #JuliaRoberts #Independence #Marriage #relationships #divorce #podcast ep074
Tweet: We think #independence can be broken out into different parts – spiritual, physical space or time, emotional or mental, and financial. What makes you independent in a #relationship? Ep 074 #divorce #dating #marriage #love #selfcare #podcast
Tweet: How does your independence change over time in relationship? Or does it at all? #independence #podcast #relationship #dating #marriage #single Check out ep 074