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Episode 062 There’s No Magic Wand in Marriage
Episode 062 There’s No Magic Wand in Marriage with special guest Griff
Leanne and The Boyfriend discuss how getting married is not magic. There is no magic wand or magic fairy dust that makes everything awesome. People often get focused on planning a wedding event and gifts, dresses, photos, etc. and forget about taking care of each other in the process. If a relationship isn’t working before the wedding, chances are it’s not going to work after.
07:57 Meet Griff! Griff is a divorcee who happens to be a friend of Leanne’s. Griff shares his journey through divorce and how he has learned to apply his life lessons and become more mindful.
09:20 Griff has been divorced since 1996 after a 4-year marriage. He was first married at 22 while he was in the military. He was in the Army stationed in Georgia, and he had a part-time job as a radio announcer. Griff met his wife while working at the radio station and they ended up getting married about a year later.
11:17 Griff felt like he was in a place where he should be evolving. He wasn’t happy just being by himself. All his friends were married. He says maybe it was a bit selfish, but he just didn’t want to be alone. So he got married.
13:12 “I think that I discovered that marriage itself doesn’t really change anything except perceptions for people.”
“If you’re dating and you’re committed, you’ll be just as committed, I think, when you’re married.”
“If you’re dating and you say, ‘Well, when I get married I’ll be different,’ you’re probably misleading yourself.”
13:55 Marriage is a legal status of your relationship. It doesn’t really change anything else except your perception.
14:11 Griff compares getting a certificate for marriage to getting a degree. Not everybody who gets a degree is smart, and not everybody who gets married is good at being married. When Griff talks about his own marriage he takes full responsibility and his role. He says his wife was a hundred percent committed and the divorce was not her fault. Griff realized that he was into the idea of being in a relationship just not being in a relationship with her. But his decision about the divorce had nothing to do with his ex-wife. He reiterates that she was a good person and he truly cared about her he just realized that this wasn’t the right relationship for him.
16:45 “I really appreciate the fact that even though she didn’t like it, she didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to be in a relationship with her.”
Because it was so amicable, it confused people. Griff even went car shopping with his ex-wife to make sure she had a good working vehicle to get back and forth.
They didn’t have an attorney since they didn’t really have anything to split up or argue about.
19:49 The one regret that Griff has is knowing that his ex-wife really wanted the marriage to work. She was sincere in her feelings for him. He was in a very different place emotionally.
21:01 Griff and his ex haven’t really stayed in touch. However, Griff’s family has stayed in touch with his ex-wife. His family has a philosophy, “Once a member of the family, always a member of the family.“ Griff and his ex did end up have a short chat on Facebook once. During that chat Griff apologized and reiterated that their divorce was truly not her fault. It didn’t change the reality, but he felt better letting her know.
23:20 “Sometimes people confuse conflict and chaos with level of care. …If something comes up and you don’t fuss and fight about it people sometimes interpret that as you don’t care.”
25:21 Griff married about four years later. He was out of the military and had some time to be single and time to grow. He tries to be more mindful and went into the new relationship with a new perspective.
His first wife was just finishing college and had never left her hometown. Griff, on the other hand, had traveled the world and had a different set of experiences. His second wife had more worldly experience than his first.
Griff found himself being more mindful of others perspectives. Religion played an important role in his first marriage. Religion plays an integral part in people’s core values. He and his wife shared the same religion, but due to their difference in their experience Griff felt he was a little more accepting of things.
31:35 Griff’s second marriage was different because they were able to communicate about it in a more open way. Religion became one of several pillars in the relationship. The relationship was three parts – you, the other person, and the relationship itself. It’s that entity that’s hard to sometimes describe.
34:03 The most rewarding piece of his second marriage is being a part of a family. Family’s have its ups and downs, but it feels good knowing you can get through it. Griff just really tries to appreciate it for what it is. They’ve been married for 17 years. Griff feels he has some lessons learned from his first marriage. He is now calmer about things in his relationships. He’s not caught up to measuring and monitoring the relationship on a daily basis. He’s more trustful of the process. He doesn’t mind monitoring it enough to be me mindful, but not out of fear.
39:52 If Griff were to give advice to his daughters, he would tell them get out of what you want your man to be and look at who he is.
If he’d give advice to his son, it’d probably very similar. Remove expectations based on gender. Instead focus on what’s really in front of you. Even when it comes to traditions, create your own holiday calendar. Decide what you want to celebrate and make up your own holidays. Create something that works for you.
Sometimes there are really odd expectations on men just because they’re men. Maybe a man isn’t naturally a mechanic. And maybe a women doesn’t know how to cook.
47:00 What is the alternative to looking at the positive? Griff chooses to keep moving forward. Sometimes he’s most productive when he’s upset about something. Griff will channel it into something productive. That energy will help him push through. Turn the negative energy into something positive. Push forward!
50:38 Ask, “Who am I?”
“You can’t define who you are by your circumstances…your circumstances will change.”
Gerald gives an example about his weight. December 28, 2017 he took a look at the food he was eating and made a conscious choice to change. A little of three months later he’s dropped 47 pounds. He makes a choice everyday.
“You don’t grow in comfort.”
Tweet: “Sometimes people confuse conflict and chaos with level of care. …If something comes up and you don’t fuss and fight about it people sometimes interpret that as you don’t care.” ep62 w/Griff #divorce #perspective #breakup #marriage #relationships
Tweet: Ask yourself, “Who am I?” You might be surprised at the answer! ep 62 w/Griff #divorce #relationships #choices #breakup #single #marriage #life #inspiration
Tweet: “You can’t define who you are by your circumstances…your circumstances will change.”ep 62 w/Griff #divorce #relationships #choices #TransformationTuesday #breakup #relationshipquotes #divorcequotes
Tweet: “You don’t grow in comfort.” ep62 w/Griff #divorce #relationships #choices #MotivationalMonday #breakup #relationshipquotes #divorcequotes