Episode 060: Stop Pretending & Start Living!

By Help Person|March 27, 2018|Show notes, Uncategorized|

Episode 060: Stop Pretending & Start Living! with special guest Sunny Joy McMillan

Leanne and The Boyfriend talk about making lists about who you want to be in a relationship and lists with all the qualities I need to have to be in a relationship. What about a list of all the things we want to be doing in a relationship. What does the relationship look like? What life do we really want to be living?

11:25 Meet Sunny Joy McMillan! Sunny is a recovering attorney and practicing Master Life Coach who is passionate about helping adults get unstuck from unfulfilling or unhappy marriages. She is the host of the weekly radio show, Sunny in Seattle on Alternative Talk 1150AM KKNW, and author of “Unhitched: Unlock Your Courage and Clarity and Unstick Your Bad Marriage.”

Divorce_song_lyrics_ep6012:57 Sunny shares how she and her husband met and how they’re first date ended in an argument. It was intense from the very beginning and they stayed together for 12 years. Sunny was 23 years old and her husband was 34. They were living in Texas. She had lived in various places before – Houston, Memphis, Santa Barbara, and Waco before landing in Austin. She’s now in Seattle.

12:45 Sunny truly believed that things were going to get better, and they get along now that they’re divorced. She thought she knew what a good relationship was and that what she was experiencing was normal. Sunny’s parents had been married for over 50 years, but weren’t necessarily the best example.

17:20 She was an only child and is close to her parents. However, Sunny was raised in a community where appearances were everything. She was too ashamed to tell anyone that her marriage wasn’t perfect. She didn’t really know who to go to other than a therapist. It was too embarrassing. There was a fear that people wouldn’t like her.

18:51 Sunny starting reading Dr. Martha Beck and was inspired to become a life coach through her program. Sunny shares the social self vs the essential self.

20:08 Sunny and her husband went to Burning Man together. This was the turning point for her. Sunny felt that she could finally be her authentic self. She invited her husband to go with her and he did. It was kind of a last ditch effort to try making the marriage work one more time. Sunny planned it as a surprise and they ended up having a wonderful time. But even though the trip went well, Sunny realized that she was ready to end the marriage.

23:22 Sunny was ready to honor her essential self. She and her husband had been in counseling on and off for years. Their counselor suggested they do a structured separation, meaning they define the boundaries that will work for them. They created their own rules and didn’t even share about it with their own friends.It will give them the opportunity for them to words on the narrative. After six months, Sunny decided it was time to really end it.

“Unfortunately, I think shame is one of the most universal emotions. Where we can be united in our vulnerability, I think often I think we let it separate us. And we did that very thing.“

27:13 Sunny and her ex did not have any children. However, they still talk and to this day, her husband still not in agreement of the divorce. They have each both moved on in different ways.  During the marriage, her husband was a workaholic, they were both using alcohol in unhealthy ways, and they have both worked through those things, but in different ways.

30:29 During their marriage Sunny ended up leaving her job with a law firm. Her husband really gave her a good life. And although it was good, it didn’t match up to what she really wanted.

She had gone to law school and married because she thought it looked good or looked like the right thing to do.

“I had a lot of safety in my life and I had a lot of comfort, but I didn’t feel free.”

33:51 Sunny left the marriage without having a plan for career. She wasn’t even sure she’d be leaving with more than a few things. Sunny stumbled around for a couple years until she really knew where she was going.

“I knew I wanted to serve others in a new way, but I knew that I couldn’t serve them until I’d done my own work.”  

Life Lafter Divorce quotes ep60 a

“I feel really blessed that I was able to really regroup, come back to myself, link up with that essential self, so that I could move forward in a new way.”

35:08 Sunny started following bread crumbs! She couldn’t really see what was ahead. She needed to tap into her heart space and her gut space. She also made amends and asked for forgiveness. While she was in her marriage she felt like the victim of a hot-tempered husband who was controlling her. She had a victim story and she had to take stock and look at her role in the marriage. Sunny started to question her story and turned it around. She realized she was a hot-tempered and controlling wife! She speaks of Byron Katies

“When I started to look at my part, and got radically honest with myself, i realized I was an equal player in co-creating our misery.”  Life Lafter Divorce quote ep60 b

38:05 Sunny went to her ex-husband to make amends and asked for forgiveness in her role. It was extremely empowering to do it. She felt so good after it – it was the icing on the cake. Once she started taking ownership of her part, her ex started doing the same. It seemed to open doors.

41:38 Shameless spirituality! Sunny started experimenting and waited for bread crumbs to appear and they did! She changed her perspective and doors started opening.

43:55 Letting go of control doesn’t mean sitting around waiting for something to happen. Instead, Sunny was very active in co-creating the outcomes.

“It’s just following the curiosity, the joy, and the freedom, and the things I was curious about things that felt joyful about  things that felt aligned with my essential self – those were the things that I actively followed.”

45:35 Sunny wanted to do an “Eat, Pray, Love” kind of trip and just when she was planning it a workshop with Martha Beck opened up. It worked out perfectly into her schedule. She immediately knew that this was what she needed to do. Things started unfolding in an incredible and awesome way.

47:51 Sunny knew she wanted to help others. She still laughs at the term “Life Coach” but it’s exactly what she wants to be doing right now. Sunny loves the growth she gets to witness in her life coaching and is so honored to be a part of it.

Life Lafter Divorce quotes ep60 d“Fear is always going to be there when we’re inviting change.”

“Some of the things that are perceived as the worst in our lives, divorce being one of them, actually have the potential to be our greatest awakenings and the greatest catalysts to the best and biggest growth we can have.” 

Life Lafter Divorce quotes ep60 c

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you would like a free copy of Sunny’s book, just reach out and she will happily send you a copy of the book. Unhitched: Unlock Your Courage and Clarity and Unstick Your Bad Marriage

Tweet:  “Fear is always going to be there when we’re inviting change.” ep 60 w/ @goldenoversoul #fear #change #followthefear #doitanyway #courage #relationships #divorce #lifelafterdivorce #podcast #divorcequotes #relationshipquotes

Tweet:  “When I started to look at my part, and got radically honest with myself, i realized I was an equal player in co-creating our misery.” ep 60 w/ @goldenoversoul #relationships #divorce #dating #singlelife #podcast #singlemom #singledad #change #divorcequotes #relationshipquotes

Tweet: “Unfortunately, I think shame is one of the most universal emotions. Where we can be united in our vulnerability, I think often I think we let it separate us. And we did that very thing.“ ep60 w/ @goldenoversoul #divorce #marriage #emotions #divorcequotes #relationshipquotes #single #singlelife #selfcare #lifelafterdivorce #podcast

Tweet:  Letting go of control doesn’t mean sitting around waiting for something to happen. ep 60 w/@goldenoversoul #divorce #marriage #relationships #dating #single #single life #selfcare #lifelafterdivorce #podcast

Tweet:  Sometimes just by changing our perspective, we can see doors opening. ep 60 w/@goldenoversoul #opportunitiy #dating #single #single life #selfcare #relationships #divorce #lifelafterdivorce #podcast

 

Links

www.goldenoversoul.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sunnyjoy.mcmillan

Twitter @goldenoversoul

If you would like a free copy of Sunny’s book, just reach out and she will happily send you a copy of the book. Unhitched: Unlock Your Courage and Clarity and Unstick Your Bad Marriage

www.lifelafterdivorce.com

www.twitter.com/lafterdivorce

https://www.facebook.com/LifeLafterDivorce/

https://www.instagram.com/lifelafterdivorce/

 

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