Episode 058: Narcissist Abuse Support
Episode 058: Narcissist Abuse Support with special Guest Tracy Malone
Leanne and The Boyfriend review the question of the week and give shout outs to our followers. They announce that they are now on Pinterest.
This week’s topic is….Divorce! Specifically, about learning lessons. Leanne and The Boyfriend discuss taking a step back after a break up and assessing what worked and what didn’t. What about those situations that are not so obvious? Sometimes we can get outside support and other times it takes more than that.
06:35 Tracy Malone was a victim of narcissistic abuse and has decided to educate the world on the red flags and signs of abuse. She started a YouTube channel that has reached over 350,000 all over the world, her website NarcissistAbuseSupport.com has quickly earned ratings of being in the top 50 narcissist abuse websites. She now coaches victims of abuse, hosts live support groups and her Facebook group has almost 4500 members from all over the world.
Upon learning about narcissists Tracy figured out why she was a target and why her divorce was called by the judge in her case as ‘the most tortured divorce in her town’s history’. She will share with us some of her tips she has learned and help you prepare for battle. Tracy is currently writing a book on divorcing a narcissist with money and his family. This was not a battle she was prepared for, yet she would like to help you prepare and learn from her lessons.
One of her favorite sayings is “Screw lemonade. I am making a difference.”
08:07 Tracy has been married and divorced twice. Her first divorce happened after about ten years of marriage. Her first husband just wasn’t the one. He wasn’t a bad person, he just wasn’t the right person. They divorced when she was in her thirties.
She met her next husband at work when she wasn’t looking. They became friends and he was helping her get through her divorce. Once her divorce was final, she married her second husband six months later.
Tracy realizes now that what her second husband did was called “love-bombing”. He was showering her and her son with extravagant gifts and attention. Many people wouldn’t necessarily identify gift-giving with abuse. Narcissist’s will shower you with gifts and affection to gain control. Tracy felt that it seemed odd, but couldn’t put her finger on it.
Narcissists move quickly in relationships so you don’t have time to think about what’s happening. It’s their way of luring you in. Love-bombing is common characteristic of a narcissist and is a red flag. They will sweep you off your feet.
“Love bombing is a red flag…
You’re swept off your feet.
They instantly declare you a soulmate.”
Another red flag is if they declare you a soulmate. A narcissist will proclaim that and they will tell you that everyone else in their life was crazy. They will elevate you and make you feel special.
You’ve become the narcissist’s “new supply.” They want something from you.
Tracy gives an example of how compatible she and her second husband seemed at the beginning. Even her friends thought they were the perfect couple. The only person who didn’t like him was Tracy’s mother. Tracy’s mom was a narcissist and was envious of the new husband and his money. Her mom was also jealous of the new husband’s control over Tracy.
18:40 Tracy explains how children of narcissist can turn into a very codependent person or another narcissist. Tracy grew up in a very different family environment. She had been surrounded by narcissists.
When Tracy and her second husband got married and moved to Colorado about a year later. Her husband didn’t have many friends and he lost his first three jobs.
20:55 Tracy’s second husband got a new job about a year after they got married. They moved to Colorado. He lost three jobs and had no friends. He missed his wealthy family and their elite social life. After 10 years, her husband got a new job and moved back to New York. This happened after her son’s high school graduation.
23:14 Her husband asked for a divorce completely out of the blue just days after her son’s graduation. They had been together for ten years. When her son graduated, her husband’s family came out for the weekend and they celebrated. The following week he went back to the East Coast with his family and then called Tracy and asked for a divorce. She didn’t see it coming. They had just sold their home and were shopping for a new one. In fact, they had just looked at homes that same weekend and were making plans for their future.
28:18 Tracy shares how her her husband had never lived with anyone but his family before they had gotten married. He didn’t know how to take care of bills and other adult responsibilities. Tracy handles all these things. She did go to Connecticut that following weekend and he was completely different toward her and cut off from her emotionally.
30:00 “I was told by the judge during my divorce – after seven trials…that this was the worst divorce that had ever come across his bench in 25 years.”
Her divorce took over a year and she still didn’t realize that she was dealing with a narcissist
31:15 Tracy was now alone and living in an apartment in Colorado. Her friends set her up with someone at work and she was suddenly in a new relationship with … another narcissist.
32:39 The new boyfriend was constantly asking if they were exclusive and wanted to reassure her. She found out later that he was sleeping with someone else – for six months. Tracy was trying to move on and be the better person.
Her friends invited her to a party and the ex-boyfriend was going to be there with the ‘other woman’. Before the party, Tracy decided to go see him and make amends. She went to his house unannounced. His son let her in and they talked for a while. When the ex got home he called her into the garage to talk.
34:02 The new girlfriend was waiting for the ex in the car. Tracy suggested that they meet now before the party. The ex was calling her crazy and getting upset. The ex called the police and had Tracy arrested.
34:50 The ex had recorded the conversation and baited her into getting angry. Trespassing, domestic violence, and intention to harm him with her car. When Tracy her the recording she knew he had edited it and cut out his parts. Tracy ended up being put on probation and did community service.
36:59 A friend said to Tracy, “He’s gaslighting you.” Tracy didn’t know what this was and had to look it up. Gaslighting is what narcissists do.
He had no empathy about having her arrested. He would give her the silent treatment and ignore her. He’d tell her he needed a break or time to himself.
38:40 “I didn’t understand what baiting was at the time…but he kept calling me crazy…and he had his new girlfriend in the car…he called the police and had me arrested.”
38:52 Narcissist use people as a “supply”. The women he had cheated on Tracy with was a mediator. He was having problems with his ex-wife and was using her for legal advice and sex.
The woman who was in the car the day he had Tracy arrested, was a woman from Australia. She and Tracy talked and she informed Tracy that she had been dating her ex for two years. The entire time Tracy was dating him. The ex would have Tracy babysit his son while he’d meet up with the other woman in a hotel.
40:00 Tracy recalls how she had noticed the woman on his Facebook page and how she’d always comment on his page. Whenever this woman commented on his photos, he’d tell Tracy that he didn’t even know her. She was just some crazy woman from Australia.
Tracy and the Australian are now best friends. They travel together and meet up regularly.
Tracy 42:31 learned about narcissism after her arrest. Once her friend told her about gaslighting, she read everything she could about narcissism.
Tracy and her Australian friend did interviews together. You can watch them here. https://youtu.be/q_zE9tr7FC
44:00 They had some strange things in common – odd coincidences. They had the same bathing suit and the same polka-dot wine glasses. They had so many personal things in common, too.
46:00 The other woman started figuring things out after Tracy was arrested. She had witnessed the whole scene because she was in the car in the driveway. The narcissist eventually started doing the same things to the other woman. The other woman had decided to move to the US and applied for her green card. She was in the midst of preparing for the big move when one day the narcissist texted her and told her he’d found someone else and she was no longer needed. The other woman wanted to kill herself. She decided to call Tracy.
52:15 Tracy talks about no contact with the narcissist. Her ex-husband detached completely from both her and her son.
“They talk about how no one else in their life has been like you. Everyone else was crazy and you’re so much better.”
Stay tuned for part two!
Question of the week: What is an unacceptable behavior or red flag in a new relationship?
Tweet: It wasn’t just buying me things I didn’t want, it was the constant attention. ep 58 w/ @tracyamalone #redflags #narcissist #dating #single #single life #selfcare #relationships #divorce #lifelafterdivorce #podcast
Tweet: I didn’t think it was abuse when I was living in it. I thought he was showing me love in ways he knew how. ep 58 w/ @tracyamalone #relationships #divorce #dating #singlelife #podcast #singlemom #singledad #narcissist
Tweet: #narcissist rush into relationships very very fast. Love bombing is a red flag! ep 58 w/ @tracyamalone #redflags #narcissist #dating #single #single life #selfcare #relationships #divorce #lifelafterdivorce #podcast
Tweet: If they instantly declare you a soul mate…Red Flag! ep 58 w/ @tracyamalone #redflags #narcissist #dating #single #single life #selfcare #relationships #divorce #lifelafterdivorce #podcast
Tweet: I learned that he’d been sleeping with someone I knew for six months.” ep 58 w/ @tracyamalone #relationships #divorce #dating #singlelife #podcast #singlemom #singledad