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Episode 055: Real vs Reality Relationships
Episode 55: Real vs. Reality Relationships with special guest Rhonda Richards-Smith
Leanne and The Boyfriend discuss celebrity gossip and the fact that The Boyfriend doesn’t follow any celebrity anything. Although he did hear that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston recently ran into each other, The Boyfriend says Leanne is enough to worry about. LLD’s blogger, Mom-nonymous LOVES celebrity gossip so she’ll love this episode.
05:30 Rhonda Richards-Smith is an award-winning psychotherapist & relationship expert. Her advice has been featured in US Weekly Magazine, The Huffington Post, BravoTV, Ebony Magazine, Teen Vogue and Glamour Magazine among others. In 2016, she was inducted into the inaugural “Women of Worth” class for her leadership in the mental health and relationship space by Los Angeles-based company, Worthy Women. In 2017, Match.com CEO Mandy Ginsberg also named her as one of the top dating and relationship experts in the country. Withover 15 years of experience, Rhonda is passionate about helping people improve their personal lives, relationships with others and overall emotional health.
Rhonda is married with two daughters who happen to be selling Girl Scout Cookies. Reach out to Rhonda and order yours now!
Rhonda works with couples, as well as, singles and some celebrities. She often works on articles with US Weekly. Her articles have focused on Kate Hudson and Nick Jonas, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton, and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. When it comes to Gwen and Blake, Rhonda has always felt that they would make it.
Rhonda talks about meeting someone at work which can be a slippery slope if you’re not careful.
“If you’re not sure if it’s rebound love or not…
“Be sure that you’re over the relationship you were in prior and that your current relationship isn’t based off of venting or bashing of your ex.”
12:00 Rhonda talks more about that fine line with office/work relationships. A lot of those deep conversation should really be talked out with your partner rather than your “work wife” or “office husband”. Do relationships start because of those conversatio
ns? Yes. The co-worker might be well-intentioned, but it can get complicated.
14:15 Be careful who you seek advice from. Is the person you’re getting advice from in a good relationship? What’s their history like? Remember too, that the story you’re giving them is one-sided and they’re basing their advice on that.
Couples therapy can be powerful for deepening an existing relationship or to assist in the split.
If there are more serious mental health issues, trauma, or other influencers in your personal history, you may opt for more individual therapy.
“We’ve all experienced trauma on some level, whether great or small, and that can have a profound impact on the way that we approach relationships, the way that we communicate, and our ability to be vulnerable and expose ourselves to our partners.”
17:20 What are some therapy resources? There are many online articles. Rhonda has Love Insight, coaching for singles. Find out why don’t things work out. Sometimes we get into patterns — dating the same people with different names. Is it time to get honest about what is it that you’re really working for?
While Rhonda worked with Match.com at their Dating Expert summit in Dallas they talked about how people say they want A,B, and C but then when they get A, B, and C they’re not happy.
Sometimes all the the advice we get fr
om our friends and family can be overwhelming. It’s all about getting clear and honest about what you’re looking for.
19:15 Is A, B, and C what you really want?
“Is this what I want?
Is this what my mother says i need?
Is this what my best friend says i need?
Is this who my roommate says i should go out with?
Or is it really what you want?”
“There are different people out there for us who’d be great, but it’s just really about about being clear and honest about what it is you’re looking for and being okay with that.”
“What you’re looking for is what you’re looking for and ultimately that’s what’s going to make you happy.“
“A lot of the work that I do is around quieting the noise and really getting centered on yourself who you are.
Making sure that you understand your worth as a person so that way you’re attracting the person that you really want, that will really mesh well with you, and will be that final puzzle piece in your life. I think that’s really important.”
20:35 Who do you need to become to attract that person you want? We put so much pressure on our partners to do all the heavy lifting for us.
“You want to have two wholes coming together, not two halves.”
Perpetrators and abusers can sniff out people with low self worth. If you’re not careful about working on yourself, you can get sucked into a toxic relationship.
Make sure you’re secure within yourself.
Don’t be self-deprecating and constantly put yourself down. Guys can pick up on this quickly, and recognize those qualities that make it easy to control and manipulate someone.
“Speak highly of yourself. Think highly of yourself.“
What does that look like? How would you feel, and who’d be around you and who wouldn’t?
Your vision needs to be tangible — even it has something to do with work. Be intentional and specific, and take steps everyday.
Be sure that the qualities you are seeking in someone are ones that you possess. Whether you’ve been dating or married for 50 years, there is always something that we can do better. Don’t get complacent because that’s when the wheels come off.
Rhonda notes that the overall divorce rates are decreasing, and attributes the decrease to more people getting professional help with their relationships. As therapy becomes more common, the stigma decreases.
Why do we carry baggage with us? Sometimes it’s hard to see we’re doing that when we’re stuck in the cycle. Even a couple of months of therapy can be very effective.
29:05 Television and reality TV influences the way we see our own relationships
People fantasize about how they will meet their partner or future spouse. What if you meet the right person but it doesn’t fit in exactly with your fantasy? We cut off amazing great opportunities with great people because we limit ourselves.
We love the idea of romantic love, but that’s not necessarily real life. Laundry, dishes, commutes, and jobs are real life. Life partner means you have to work through life together. Vacation partners don’t’ always work out.
TV relationships look amazing and they’re fun to watch so watch them for the entertainment value and that’s it. Make sure you’re own life is amazing. Women often get rescue fantasies, and that puts a lot of pressure on a partner.
34:15 Social media pressures us to post a perfect image to the world.
“There’s this pressure sometimes to present this perfect image of your relationship, your always laughing, you’re always hugging, your always in love, and that can kinda backfire sometimes, too. Just the pressure to present a particular image because sometimes you’re putting so much pressure on the image and maintaining the image that you actually lose sight of maintaining your real relationship.“
Rhonda references the television show, To Rome for Love, and notes that there are some elements in the show that are real. There are some women who have challenges because they weren’t quite ready to go out and date yet. Sometimes it’s just not the right time. Sometimes you sometimes need a break from dating so pursue it when you’re really ready. Nobody can tell you what’s right for you.
“You don’t have to be actively dating when you’re single.“
39:15 What about those people who just want to get over the loneliness? Some people just want a warm body. Be careful what you wish for. The universe will give you a warm body, but don’t expect them to provide you with anything else you might need. Be specific with what you want!
e a list of what you’re looking for. Evaluate that list and ask what’s really important. Are you just listing things like they must be a certain height or living in a particular area? Does it make sense? Does it serve what you’re ultimately want? Does it match up with your emotional needs? Who you want, isn’t necessarily what you need.
Try it out and reevaluate your list. Experiment and change your course as needed. You have to be a little systematic about it.
What are your priorities? Keep that in mind. How much time and effort do you want to put into this?
Rhonda discusses patterns and predictable relationships. Why do we go with what’s comfortable? Try new things! Maintain some openness and vulnerabilities. You have to be willing to be vulnerable. Know that it might now work out, but in the end it’s worth it.
44:50 “It’s important to know when to let go. People can be particularly stubborn to hold on to what they know thinking that’s the best they can get or achieve when there’s something else so amazing on the other side if they’d just let go.”
“Something amazing is on the horizon, but you just have to keep believing and keep pushing forward.“
People are sometimes trying to emulate what their parents did or do the complete opposite of what their parents did. Rhonda does a lot of work with breaking that down so you can set your own path.
“Your relationship should be unique to you and your partner. It doesn’t need to mirror anyone else’s — on tv, off tv, your friends, your parents or anyone else.“
47:59 Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Rhonda is curious to see how she acclimates to Royal life. Prince Harry is known to shake things up. We are all tuning in to see what happens.
51:55 Final words: There’s nothing wrong with seeking help for relationships. We seek help for everything else, so why not for our relationships? We don’t learn everything we need in grade school. Sometimes we need someone with an objective view, working out past issues, and getting help and guidance.
Question of the week: Who’s your favorite celebrity couple?
Tweet: “Your relationship should be unique to you and your partner. It doesn’t need to mirror anyone else’s — on tv, off tv, your friends, your parents or anyone else.“ ep 55 w/ @RhondaSmithLCSW #relationships #divorce #lifelafterdivorce #podcast
Tweet: “Something amazing is on the horizon, but you just have to keep believing and keep pushing forward.“ ep 55 w/ @RhondaSmithLCSW #motivationalmonday #success #divorce #podcast #whenonedoorcloses
Tweet: “You don’t have to be actively dating when you’re single.“ ep 55 w/ @RhondaSmithLCSW #dating #divorce #podcast #relationships #lifelafterdivorce
Tweet: “Speak highly of yourself. Think highly of yourself.“ ep 55 w/ @RhondaSmithLCSW #transformations #Divorce #ltransformationtuesday #happiness #marriage #selfcare #love #followme
Tweet: “You want to have two wholes coming together, not two halves.” ep 55 w/ @RhondaSmithLCSW #relationships #divorce #marriage #podcast #liveyourbestlife #love