Episode 039: Successfully Married Mom of a Divorcee

By lifelafterdivorce|October 31, 2017|Show notes, Uncategorized|

Episode 039: Successfully Married Mom of a Divorcee with special guest Anne

Leanne and The Boyfriend talk about tradition and religion’s role in the stigma of divorce. They note that many (most?) religions frown upon divorce and as a result, many people do not believe in divorce. Here in the US we combine religion in with the state laws. Leanne and The Boyfriend find it interesting that as the country has progressed in some ways, but not so much when it comes to marriage. As forward-thinking as we think are, why are we still so stuck in the old traditions of marriage?

This week’s guest is Anne, wife, grandmother, and mom of a divorcee. Anne has been married for forty-five years and has one son and one daughter. Her daughter has been divorced once, and she had a tough time making that decision because she wanted her mother’s blessing.  

Anne has thought about divorce in her own marriage, but would never act on it. When conflicts get to the point where a couple no longer communicates, that’s when things go wrong. Anne reminds herself to step back and reassess the situation.

Life_Lafter_Divorce_Quote_ep39a_mom_of_divorceeAnne believes the first couple years you’re in the newlywed stage, then you go into “I feel like your mother” phase, and then the children come and you have to compromise a lot. The kids become the most important thing. For her and her husband, it was important that one parent be at home to raise the kids. As a couple, they really have to communication and agree how to raise them.

Anne was raised Catholic, takes vows very seriously, and doesn’t believe in divorce. When her daughter announced she was getting married, Anne didn’t want her to. Her future son-in-law was in the service about to go off to war. He did and each time he came back he was a different person.

When daughter’s marriage ended, Anne started to gain a better understanding of divorce. Talking with her son helped, especially when he asked, “Do you want your daughter to be happy?” Anne’s son said, I think this is what my sister needs.” It was hard for Anne. Nobody in her family had been divorced and she felt strongly about the vows. Later she said the reality checks came in. The vows were broken and could not be fixed.

Anne talked about it with her husband. They agreed that their daughter couldn’t continue live in a bad situation. Anne’s daughter kept trying to make the marriage work, but couldn’t. So when it was time to get divorced, Anne supported her.

“I felt very strongly against divorce at that particular time, but I also had to open my eyes and look at what was best for her. And the best solution for her was to get the divorce.”

Life_Lafter_Divorce_Quote_ep39b_mom_of_divorceeAnne still feels strongly about marriage, and she feels a lot of people look at it like I can get married today and be divorced tomorrow. Her closest friends have all been married for over forty years.

Anne still feels that marriage is sacred. She’d rather see people just live together. Don’t get married if you don’t intend to make it work.

What’s changed in the world? Commitment. Anne feels that many younger people aren’t as committed and don’t make a real effort to work at it.

Women are more independent and want a career, but you can’t have both. If your career is priority, than your relationships and family go on the back burner.

Anne’s recipe for a successful marriage

  1. Compromise, not only between two people but between families
  2. Full trust, if you don’t have trust it’s not going to work
  3. Communication

Anne has a career and is an independent person. How did she make it work?

There were many times that the job was more important and she had to put the family aside, but it always comes back to the family. That’s her priority. When she puts it all in perspective, a job is just a job.

“A job’s a job…If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, somebody would step in to take my place. But if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, no one’s going to be able to step into my place, to be a mom, and a spouse, and a lover, and a friend. That’s my role.”

Life_Lafter_Divorce_Quote_ep39c_mom_of_divorceeAnne wants to be good at her job, and to show her kids it’s okay to work. But step back – my family is important too.

Anne did find it hard to talk to her daughter about the divorce at first. But she doesn’t like to pry so she waited until she brought it up. She felt it was her daughter’s responsibility to come to her. She didn’t want to push her away so she waited until she was ready.

Her daughter is remarried and very happy with a baby boy. Anne thinks her daughter is always looking behind her. She wonders if she’s overcompensating and trying to make herself better than she was before.  Is she questioning the trust factor? Nobody wants to be making the same mistake. The key is try to learn from other people’s mistakes as well as their own. Knowledge is a wonderful thing. Trust your instincts.

Did Anne and her husband learn anything from their daughter? They just didn’t believe in divorce. Their son really helped them have a better understanding. They realized they had to open their mind. Anne and her husband talked about their daughter’s divorce a lot and her husband accepted it before Anne did. They eventually saw the changes in their son-in-law and when they learned he was being physically and emotionally abusive, they knew they didn’t want that for their daughter.

If you can’t talk to your parents, find a friend, a pastor, or a support group. You’ve got to share your feelings with someone. It’s not wrong to get a divorce, you have to make the right choice for yourself.  

Question of the Week:  “How did your divorce affect your relationship with your parents?”

 

What you’ll learn:

  • Parents really just want their kids to be okay
  • Just because someone doesn’t believe in divorce means you should stay in an abusive marriage
  • Communication, Communication, Communication

 

What you won’t learn:

  • How to make someone change their beliefs
  • How to make your daughter stay in an unhealthy relationship
  • The Boyfriend’s true identity

 

Our favorite moments:

@01:41 Tradition & Religious Influencers

@07:42 Meet Anne!

@11:03 Does marriage get easier?

@12:56 How did your daughter’s divorce affect you?

@15:23 It was the first divorce in the family

@21:55 Three things you need to make a marriage work

@37:17 There is no way a woman should be abused

 

Tweetables:

Tweet: A job’s a job…but motherhood… Ep39 #lifelafterdivorce #coparenting #divorce #podcast

 

Tweet: Compromise, Trust, and Communication Ep39 #Marriage #divorce #kids #selfcare #parents #tips #podcast

 

Tweet: #Knowledge is a wonderful thing. Trust your #instincts. Ep39 #divorce #choices #selfcare #lifelafterdivorce #podcast

 

Tweet: They realized they had to open their mind up #Divorce #responsibility #singleparent #selfcare #positivity

 

Tweet: Sometimes parents just don’t understand Ep39 #divorce #marriage #podcast #freshprince

 

Links

www.lifelafterdivorce.com

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