Episode 033: Happily Married After Divorce
Episode 033: Happily Married After Divorce with special guests Tory & Andrea Chiappelli
Welcome to the wonderful world of divorce! Leanne and The Boyfriend discuss how divorce can be seen in a positive light. They agree that if lessons are learned, there is something positive to be had. Not everyone wants to become bitter and turned off to any and all future relationships and learning to make better relationship choices always helps us move forward. The Boyfriend and Leanne discuss how they’ve both dated people in the past and had to recognize when things weren’t working. A relationship can be intimate and passionate, but there has to be something stronger than chemistry in order to withstand the test of time. They agree that a solid friendship is important to have. They agree there is a bigger investment in a relationship when there is a deeper connection outside of physical intimacy.
Meet Tory & Andrea Chiappelli (key ah Pell eee)! Tory is a divorcee and a culinary student at Long Beach Community College. She studied the science of making gelato in Bologna Italy and owned two gelato shops in the Chicago area for three years before moving to Long Beach. Andrea, a two-time divorcee, is a mechanical engineer working for a small manufacturing firm in Los Angeles managing their engineering department. He was born in northern Italy and has been in the U.S. for 18 years. Tory is an Italian American and both are now dual citizens. They met online in 2007 and were married in 2008.
Tory and Andrea met online (Yahoo Personals). They were weary of telling any of Andrea’s family that they met online since online dating still wasn’t very acceptable at the time. Tory and Andrea had their first date October 12, 2007 and they were married by Christmas 2008.
Their first date was at a restaurant named Rock Bottom (which we all chuckled about the name and meeting here for a first date) in Chicago. Andrea was running late and had texted to let her know. But right away they were super comfortable and they both knew right away that it was right. They met again the next day and really never spent any time apart since.
Just as quickly as Tory knew Andrea was the right one for her, she had known her husband was the wrong one. Tory had felt regret for the majority of her marriage; she knew it was a mistake and it turned into five years of torture. Because she had made those vows she did her best to make it work but was filled with regret. She took responsibility for her part of the marriage, but it was really over from the start. Tory was only about a month away from being divorced when she met Andrea.
Tory and Andrea were married in both a United States courthouse and in Italy. They did this because it was the easiest way to make the marriage legal in both countries. Ironically, Tory was divorce and remarried by the same judge in the same courthouse.
To be married in two countries, it’s just easier to have a wedding in both places rather than filing all the other paperwork. Leanne got hopeful for a moment that you could just leave the country for it no longer to be legal. 😉
Before they were married, they did go through Catholic church and had all their previous marriages annulled.
Neither of them have kids from previous marriages.
During her first marriage, Tory went through five years of infertility treatments. She said it was horrible emotionally and financially. The treatments were brutal and ruined her physically. Tory is no longer able to have children.
Andrea first marriage lasted eight years and his second lasted four. He says when you’ve been married before its pretty easy to know what you’re not looking for. You know what you don’t want. Andrea couldn’t find anything wrong with Tory.
Here are the three things Andrea didn’t want in his next relationship:
- Alcoholic (no bar humpers!)19:33
- Irresponsible person
Tory’s list was much different. Since her first husband was eight years younger she knew she didn’t want to be someone’s mother figure. After her marriage she had made an actual list of all the qualities she was looking for in a person. Two things that really stuck out were:
- She wanted a partner, an equal
- Someone who was well traveled, maybe spoke another language
Neither of them have kids with their ex and have no contact with them.
They decided they wanted to adopt children and becam foster parents. They had two placements. The first was a baby in a body cast. Tory was called to pick up the baby. She did and when she arrived home she found that foster services also dropped the baby’s sister. Surprise! Tory and Andrea parented the two children for nine months – until the girls went back to their parents. It was heartbreaking.
They had originally applied through Catholic charities foster/adoption program. During the process the legalities changed and Tory and Andrea had to find another agency.
Tory shares how the kids showed up with nothing but the clothes on their back. The agency would always want to drop off more than one child even though they weren’t prepared for more. The kids showed up so broken; they need attention, medical help, and love. Tory and Andrea would love them, and once again the kids were sent back to their parents.
Tory and Andrea decided to start foster parenting two years after they were married. They felt very comfortable with their marriage and were ready to start a family. The process was difficult, but because they were such good friends they were able to communicate effectively and tackle challenges together. Andrea knows if there is something wrong and makes Tory talk it out and vice versa.
They went from being married to strangers in their previous marriages to being married to their best friend.
Tory and Andrea had also opened and closed a business together, and they learned they never want to do that again. They talked about their differences in how they handle risk-taking. Tory is an extreme entrepreneur. When they went into business Andrea suffered from panic attacks, didn’t sleep, and worked two job. It was physically, financially, emotionally the hardest things they’ve ever done. Tory believes she will own a business again, but she would never put Andrea through that kind of stress. She knows how she would do it differently.
The two clung to each other when things got hard. They are best friends. They would learn from their challenges and move on. They don’t put blame on each other and communicate well.
If Andrea and Tory had met sooner they wouldn’t have worked. Tory laughs when she tells how Andrea had long hair and was a DJ before they met.
Tory realizes that because she was willing and self-aware, she was able to move forward. When she looks back she see’s that the one thing that really makes it work for her and Andrea is the friendship. They have a mutual respect for each other.
They come from a similar culture, hold the same values, and are both good communicators. They do so many fun things together and have good things happening in their lives.
If there’s a way for you to step outside of a difficult situation and learn from it, do it. Use that to begin again.
Question of the Week: If your family told you that they didn’t agree with your choice to get married, would you listen? We want to know.
What you’ll learn:
- Friendship strengthens a relationships
- What bar humping is
- Self-awareness and wil
- The importance of friendship in relationships
What you won’t learn:
- How to make gelato
- What happened to Yahoo personals
- The Boyfriend’s true identity
Our favorite moments:
@08:10 Meet Tory and Andrea
@09:10 Online dating and the judgement
@13:15 First marriage – what was I thinking?
@18:20 Andrea’s previous marriages
@23:33 Foster parents
@31:12 Solid foundation
@45:45 Intuition and knowing your partner
Tweet: “…I got married…This was a huge mistake” Ep33 @lafterdivorce #choices #divorce #uhoh
Tweet: What were you thinking after your first marriage? Ep33 #afterthoughts #choices #divorce #lifelafterdivorce
Tweet: Online dating – stop the judgement! Ep33 @lafterdivorce #onlinedating #divorce #marriage #findingtheone
Tweet: Having a strong friendship makes for a strong relationship Ep33 @lafterdivorce.com #friendship #respect #relationships