Episode 032: Ripping Off the Rose Colored Glasses
Life Lafter Divorce Podcast Episode 032
Ripping Off the Rose Colored Glasses with special guest Olivia Neely
Leanne and The Boyfriend discuss the responses they received from last week’s Question of the Week: How did you spend your first holiday after your separation or divorce?
Very fun! Thank you to our awesome Integram followers! And yes, Leanne even read the spam.
Leanne asks The Boyfriend if his friends or family ever told him, “Hey, we think you’re with the wrong person”. Yes, some people have, but The Boyfriend already knew that and wasn’t at those women as long-term anyway. Then The Boyfriend said he’s actually told some of his friends that about their significant others. Leanne said that her family didn’t really say anything about her husbands (or most boyfriends) until after the fact. Would she have listened? Probably not. Probably should have. A few friends have said that to her about some of the people she dated, but again, Leanne didn’t listen. (Ha. She showed them… :-/ )
Our friend Mom-nonymous happened to read a story in the Washington Post on Sunday about the Philly Naked Bike Ride. The article talked about the event and had interviewed several participants as to why they had decided to ride. One of those people happened to be Olivia Neely…
Meet Olivia Neely! Olivia grew up in PA, but moved to Philly about year and a half ago. She’s never been married, but has been engaged twice.
She is a relationship-oriented person (and she thinks that’s part of the issue). When she was in college, she started long distance relations with an older man in Texas. They dated for over a year and she eventually moved to Texas and they got engaged, and planned the wedding. Days before the wedding they called it off. It was some nerves (on both sides), which shed some light on larger issues and they knew they were doing the right thing. Olivia always wanted to be married and to be a mom, but she felt that maybe she was rushing.
Olivia was twenty-four when she moved back to PA. She moved in with a roommate who introduced her to a new man. They started dating soon after they met and the relationship progressed quickly. The new man was much different than her former fiancé who was an engineer at NASA. The new man was a bartender in Philly. The one thing they had in common was they were both older. During that first year, Olivia bought a home; new man moved in and everything was great. They were planning a very small City Hall wedding. Some of her friends didn’t even know. When she finally told her family, they weren’t happy. They were never disrespectful, but they didn’t love him like she did. Here family let her know that they didn’t think it was a good choice for her. [The actual breakup happened just a week ago so this is all very recent.]
After her parents talked to her, Olivia turned inward and stopped communicating with her fiancé in the same way she had in the past. It was hard, especially since the two of them had always been very open with one-another. Olivia was struggling to figure out what she wanted. It was very difficult since she is very close to her family, and she loves her fiancé very much. She didn’t want to push away her family and she started pulling back from her fiance. She started looking more closely at things like finances and the fact that her fiance has a child from a previous relationship. How would these things affect their relationship in the long term? Was she missing some red flags? What was important? Did it matter?
It was very difficult for her family to approach her, but they also know her very well. It wasn’t easy. Olivia finds happiness easily and finds the good in people. At the same time, she tends to overlook a lot. She has a big heart and a nurturing instinct which makes her want to fix people.
Her family brought her back to reality and it suddenly felt like the rose colored glasses were just ripped off.
Olivia worries that she’s letting go of a great relationship. Isn’t love enough? Are these really red flags? How do you know? She trusts that her family has her best interests at heart. There’s a lot she doesn’t know.
Olivia is the youngest of the family and her siblings are protective. One thing that really hit home for her was when her brother said, “Olivia it’s time to start thinking about what you deserve, not what you think want right now.” It really infuriated her at the time. Her fiance treats her well and they have a great connection. But then she realized, yeah, her brother is right. There’s something about seeing the potential in people vs. the reality. Olivia and her fiancé ended the relationship.
Olivia had seen an ad for the Philly Naked Bike Ride about a month ago. She was like what? Is this even legal? She read up on it, but didn’t think she’d be in town. She wasn’t even sure she’d do it. This was something completely out of her norm. She doesn’t even wear short skirts or show a lot of skin.
Turns out she was in town that weekend decided that she did want to do ride. Olivia wanted to call her ex and do it with him. They’d done everything together since she moved to Philly and it didn’t seem right doing it without him. But she couldn’t call him. She had just broken his heart. She knew then that it was something she had to do on her own.
She told her two closest friends about it the night before. They were supportive and she committed to the decision. The next day she showed up in layers and said she’d just see what she was comfortable with. But once she arrived, she found her courage.
There was a body painting area and Olivia jumped right in and got painted. Once the race started, she kept her eyes on the road and started feeling better. She kept the focus on herself.
It was a long ride and she rode about 6 miles through the main streets of Philly, surround by approximately 2,000 bikers.
After the talk with her family, she was angry most of the time. She was trying to balance everyone’s wants and trying to figure out what to do. She hated that she was mad when she was alone, and she worried if she’ll end up spending the rest of her life this way.
But when Olivia rode in the Philly Naked Bike Ride, she found herself smiling and having fun. Her friends were supportive, texted her during the ride, and called afterward. And now there’s a picture of her in the paper to document the event! Olivia’s proud of that. She can own this.
Olivia feels that there are a lot of moments in her life where she feels like she flies under the radar. It seems like a confidence issue, and now she’s realizing that good things that can happen when you step out of your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid!
What’s next for Olivia? She’s looking for ways to change up her routine – from signing up to random email lists to keep up with new events and not forgetting a few new things that could lead to more new things.
Will she do another naked bike ride? Yes, she just might!
Going forward Olivia wants to slow down and not jump so far ahead so quickly. She always thinks long term when she starts a relationship – planning a wedding in her head or wondering will they have kids?
“The next person I go on a date with doesn’t have to be the person I’m going to marry.”
She feels the need to slow down and just date. She wants to just enjoy a short-term relationship.
Being the youngest of five, Olivia feels like she’s always behind. She’s always trying to catch up with her siblings and what other people are doing. Instead, she wants to stop trying to play catch up and proving herself to who ever she is around. That’s why the bike ride was so profound. She wasn’t out to prove anything to anyone but herself.
Does her family know about the bike ride? She has only told her sister about the bike ride, but word travels fast…
Question of the Week: If your family told you that they didn’t agree with your choice to get married, would you listen? We want to know.
What you’ll learn:
- It’s okay to call off a wedding
- Sometimes it’s nice when your family can be honest
- Naked bike riding can be empowering!
- The next person you date doesn’t have to be the person you marry
- There is life after an engagement
What you won’t learn:
- What her parents said about her riding naked through Philly
- If she gave back the ring
- The Boyfriend’s true identity
Our favorite moments:
@11:00 Meet Olivia Neely!
@12:33 Olivia moves to Texas and gets engaged
@14:35 Olivia moves to Philly and gets engaged
@16:17 Olivia tells her family about the wedding
@23:00 What’s the right thing to do???
@26:59 Philly Naked Bike Ride
@29:45 Finding her courage
@33:12 I WAS SMILING!
@36:53 What’s next for Olivia?
@42:20 Olivia doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone but herself
Tweet: Know that you are loveable and you will never be alone. Ep32 @lafterdivorce #single #selfcare #confidence
Tweet: Stepping out of my comfort zone! Ep32 #doingitforme #choices #selfcare #lifelafterdivorce
Tweet: Philly Naked Bike Ride is lifechanging! Ep32 @lafterdivorce #naked #bikelife #philly
Tweet: Engage yourself! Do something for YOU today Ep32 @lafterdivorce.com #itsallaboutme #selfcare #selflove