Ep: 002 Little Things
Episode 002: Little Things (in marriage & divorce) with special guest Jay Jacobs
We learn about the importance of doing the little things to keep the spark going and a more in-depth definition of cheating. Jay Jacobs, a married podcast host who’s horrible at relationships, shares his marital challenges.
Two quick notes from Leanne:
- Wow. I want to point out that I talked way too much in this episode. Mental note to self “Shut up Leanne.”
- Please excuse the hot mic and poor audio in this episode. I’m having a bit of a challenge with my mic.
Contrary to what many of us may believe, the little things tend to keep the spark going more so than a long deep conversation. At the same time, some of the little actions we are taking can put out the flame. While a monogamous relationship can provide comfort, new relationships provide the thrill of the chase.
Leanne and The Boyfriend explore the idea that everyone’s wants and needs are different. So how do we find balance? How do we grow our long-term relationships and keep them exciting?
We determined that if we want spontaneity and excitement, we have to put in the effort. We have to make a conscious effort to incorporate those little things like holding hands and calling each other late at night, It’s that little touch, like leaving a mint on the pillow, that tells someone “Hey, I’m thinking of you.” Finding ways to show your affection without being routine. Often, it’s what seem to be the most insignificant things that go the farthest. Those things include going to the grocery store together, sharing in the chores, doing the day-to-day errands and actions that brings you closer. If we focus on the big-ticket items, we may be left with a lot of downtime and missed opportunities.
When we think back to the newness of a relationship, it’s the discovery of all those little things that matter. How can we grow those?
Our guest is Jay Jacobs, host of I Hate Average Podcast, and married man who’s horrible at relationships (his words not ours). Jay opens up with tremendous honesty and shares his marital challenges with us as he explores ways to make the best of those little things.
Jay has been married with his wife for eight years and married for threes. They’re in the “damage control” stage and after finding themselves in numerous disagreements; they are seeking help through marital counseling. It was a mutual agreement in hopes to learn to communicate better. As of this interview, they’ve been in counseling for three weeks and already finding ways to talk to each other without the anger. When I asked how they chose their counselor, Jay said his wife just wanted a black woman who takes their insurance. By finding a black woman, his wife felt she would relate better. Jay just wanted to find someone to acknowledge how he felt, and that he was right in those feelings.
Jay is gaining a better understanding of how his actions make his wife feel, and realizes that his partner pays attention to his actions, even when he doesn’t think she is.
As they’ve begun to discuss their differences, he’s finding that the little things send his wife big messages. For instance, he could leave things (i.e. shoes, dirty clothes, book bag) out, or not clean up after himself, and his wife thinks he’s doing it to disrespect her. In reality, he’s just leaving things out because he doesn’t feel like putting them away.
Their biggest argument to date is about Jay speaking to other women online. He felt it was okay because it was online, and he wasn’t in physical contact with anyone. Through counseling he has learned that it’s very VERY wrong and has had an extremely negative affect on his marriage.
Jay admits he knew talking to other women online wasn’t on the up-and-up, but thought it was harmless enough to continue. However, after finding himself on the brink of divorce, it was no longer worth it. He has deleted and blocked the other women.
Why would a man seek an online relationship? Jay says it was a way of getting affection without commitment, and without the entire obligation in a marriage. It was also a boost to his your ego.
What can a wife do to prevent it? Jay suggests stopping the nitpicking as it can wear someone down. Just because a partner knows you well shouldn’t mean they can point out all of your weaknesses. Finding a women who doesn’t know you well eliminates the nitpicking because sees you differently. She doesn’t know all of your weaknesses yet.
Jay seems to thing that women always feel sexy because he believes they are constantly complimented and hit on. He does not believe the same goes for men, and that’s why they often seek out another woman – to boost the ego. He points out that knowing that he can’t be with any other woman makes him want to tip toe back and try it out to see if he still has ‘it’. But he knows it’s definitely wrong to act on that. After he was married, it felt like his wedding ring was so heavy. He felt like every woman would look at him and see my wedding ring right away.
The counselor had Jay and his wife talk about how they met and why they’re together in the first place.
Top 4 things he loved about his wife
- She was very easy-going
- She had different views
- Her looks
- Being affectionate with her
Top 3 things his wife like most about him (he thinks)
- He was more outgoing
- He showed more affection
- He more honest
Jay talks about the idea of having a date night and giving them both the opportunity to keep playing the game with each other rather than going on cruise control.
Jay’s advice to other married persons who might be going through the same experience, take the time to really decide if marriage is what you want. Is your life better because of it?
Jay decided that it was, and he’s willing to fight for it.
What you’ll learn:
- Little things make a big difference
- Benefits of marital counseling
- Online relationships with others is cheating
- Actions speak loudly
- Why a man might cheat
- Positive actions you can take
- You have to be willing to do the work to make a marriage work
What you won’t learn:
- How to start an online relationship
- How to clean up after yourself
- The Boyfriend’s true identity
Our favorite moments:
@09:27 Meet Jay Jacobs
@13:35 How to pick a counselor
@15:45 What are you learning?
@18:45 Speaking to other women online is wrong
@19:45 I would never have told my wife about it
@24:00 Why would a married man cheat?
@24:235 How can a wife prevent her husband from cheating?
@25:42 Women always feels sexy
@30:45 Memories of wedding and realizations
@49:02 Horrible habits
@50:52 Emotional cheating vs. physical cheating (Leanne’s incessant babbling)
@57:31 What is your ultimate outcome?
@58:10 Decisions – what do you really want?
Tweetables:
Tweet: What do you really want? Does it make your life better? @lafterdivorce #relationships #breakup #marriage #heartbreak #heartbroken
Tweet: Why did you marry your spouse? Top 3 reasons #lifelafterdivorce #marriage #relationships #why #love
Tweet: Little things matter! My fav thing in a #relationship is [insert yours here] @lafterdivorce #divorce #relationships
Tweet: I feel sexy when [insert yours here] @lafterdivorce #divorce #selfcare #relationships #sexy
Tweet: Emotional cheating hurts as much as physical #cheating @lafterdivorce #divorce #relationships #cheating
Links
I Hate Average Podcast https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/i-hate-average-podcast/id1069141911?mt=2
Twitter @Ihateaveragejay.
https://www.facebook.com/LifeLafterDivorce/